i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Is Oprah even human
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
