my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
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