The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
