My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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