i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
