Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
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