i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
