sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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