I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
