i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
We left the knife in your bed.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
