two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
