I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
