i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
