had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
