Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
