I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
