Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
