i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
