Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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