Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
