wrigley field is MILF paradise
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
