I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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