I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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