ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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