I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
