I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Randomize
