are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
