woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
