Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
