Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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