Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
