mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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