just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
