i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
