two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
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