Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
from now on my penis is your penis
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
And then he peed in my hair
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