Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
