i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
