okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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