It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
