So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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