I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
