So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
