I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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