I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
