Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
