I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
