my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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