i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
