don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Boobs speak an international language.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
