if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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