i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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